You Hate Yourself On Facebook

Listen I’m not the kind of person who talks too much shit. I know we all have those friends who love to talk shit. I am not that friend. I actually ignore those people outright.

People walk up to me and say “Yeah I was on the internet and this bitch was like…” (BLOOOOP) ..totally ignoring you. You have just proven how worthless you are, in one half sentence. What the fuck is wrong with people?

You get on the internet because you hate yourself. Maybe you play World of Warcraft, or maybe you play Facebook, but we’re all just involved in this big game where we obscure our identities, try to be the most experienced, and act like you know what you’re doing when in fact you have no fucking clue.

It’s a nice way to obscure the world from yourself, the internet. I’m just dying for the day that it gets too expensive for everyone, and everyone turns it off. And they walk outside. AND THAT’S WHERE ALL THOSE PEOPLE WERE TO BEGIN WITH.

The big difference, after the internet goes away: when you’re an asshole, you get punched in the mouth. That’s the big thing, is the internet allows you to be an asshole. Nobody wants to be THE asshole, in person. But in anonymity? When nobody can punch you? Yeah, you want to.

Some people haven’t realized it yet. They’re still polite online. Look, if you get on the internet and you don’t immediately tell everyone to suck your dick, even if you’re a girl, then you’re doing it wrong.

the internet is made for gloating, telling people to suck your dick, and making other people feel inferior. If you’re using it for your stupid-ass marketing program, or if you’re trying to sell your shitty T-shirts on Etsy, you’re god damn stupid.

If you’ve ever bought anything on Etsy, you’re stupid. You’re just encouraging these people not to be assholes on the internet.

If you paid me money on the internet for anything, it would be becoming your facebook friend, and then using your pictures in an elaborate photoshop job where you’re sucking my dick.

If you’re doing it wrong, you won’t get it. But being mean on the internet means the internet is ending. The whole internet is turning into that unappealing chat room you first logged into. The one where the only question was “will you send me pictures?”

You’re not going to want it anymore, once you get comfortable enough there to treat everyone like shit. You’re going to realize how fucking stupid the whole project was. Why would I want to talk to people? They’re all assholes. I’m an asshole. When I’m honest with myself, I’m an asshole.

People if you’re not being an asshole on the internet, to everyone, you’re totally missing the point: we’re bringing this whole thought-control experiment down, from the inside. We’re using the master’s tools against him.

The internet was a military creation. They wanted to create harmony and sheep-like obedience and we gave them rebellion and assholery and animated GIFs of people getting run over by trains. And we posted those animated GIFs in chatrooms frequented by young kids who love Christian rock. And we were right.